Self-Esteem

Self-Esteem Therapy: The Value of Valuing Yourself

We are fundamentally social beings, but within that social dyad, there is a self: the beginning of all relationships and social interactions is that self, and how we perceive, present, and represent that self to others in turn determines how we may feel.

Let us consider the possibility of how we feel about ourselves, independent of the positive or negative ‘strokes’ we receive from others – what is our version of our self and how do we see our self?

Effectively, the ‘esteem’ or value in which we view the self is what makes up our sense of self.

Signs & Causes of Low Self-Esteem

When we can fundamentally ‘prize’ ourselves, think well of our qualities, and feel secure in the relationships we have, we veer away from feelings of low self-esteem. At times like those, we can think of the self as being worthy of some of the good things that may be part of one’s life and deserving of more, which then impacts how we approach the world.

Low self-esteem can silently exist and impact our lives, choices, and relationships. It can cause chronic distress in that all-important area of ‘self-concept’ and ‘self-love’. Whilst these terms are used exhaustively in psychological literature, they hold much more weight in our perceptions of our self than may be apparent.

Self-love is not possible to generate by doing things from the outside in, but rather begins to grow when it is nurtured, and it begins with how we see our self and the esteem which we accord ourselves.

To prize the self, or not? Can we? – This is the question!

Flags that reveal difficulties in prizing ourselves include:

• Inability to receive care and compassion
• Making excuses for your own behaviour
• Justifying your needs
• Searching for external validation
• Chronic feelings of fatigue from going along with others
• Lack of confidence in completing tasks
• Excessive apologising
• Inability to express optimism

While most of these look like they are simply negative thoughts and typical patterns, they are more than just that. These are feelings we carry, about ourselves, about our lack of capacity. Capacity is even deeper than ability – it is about our identity and whether we experience agency. It is a feeling of self-worth, and it is only when we see our self as worthy that we can begin the process of asking for our needs to be met.

What Works to Build Self-Esteem?

Any therapy that focuses on the individual’s internal process would be effective as a form of counselling to support building self-esteem. Gestalt therapy works with the ‘here and now’ of the person’s experience, with a focus on their own phenomenology – their story, their words, hearing it from them as they have lived it, making it even more real. Some of the techniques used in this form of therapy, including creative imagery, role-playing, and the empty chair technique, create a creative environment for the transparency needed for individuals to go deep into themselves.

How Therapy Helps

Gestalt counselling would not only work on esteem in the present, but also focus on the person’s story of themselves – as far back as they wished to go or as rooted in the present as they needed it to be.

Effectively helping the client ‘own’ their part in their story and highlighting what they really want, without any shame or blame, is quite cathartic. Further, facing some vulnerable feelings around one’s own lack of esteem can slowly be bolstered into a sense of self, so that the client can have more confidence in what one is about.

“The flowering of the authentic self, albeit with all its imperfections, is the beginning of being real about what feels good and what doesn’t.”

Approaching others with a renewed and refreshed sense of self will also mean that the dynamic will be less transactional and more authentic – the flowering of the authentic self, albeit with all its imperfections, is the beginning of being real about what feels good and what doesn’t. All of these emotions have a positive impact as they raise the awareness of the individual.

The Impact of Awareness

Self-esteem counselling from an integrative Gestalt lens does not ‘build’ the person up from outside in. We might focus on when and how it feels difficult to express one’s needs, and why it may not feel as important as it may for someone else with an outwardly positive, confident appearance. Some work would also focus on the polarities involved, as low self-esteem will also have a shadow and projection. Understanding the story will give us all the cues we need to start working on raising awareness around these issues.

Awareness, in Gestalt, is the glow that illuminates the rest of the path. On this path, the relationship between the counsellor and the client, much is shared and explored in an environment of trust and surrender, and some of the negative feelings experienced by the person are mitigated temporarily in the sheer telling of their story. The process is the therapeutic experience.

Further Reading on Self-Esteem

• I’m OK, You’re OK – T.A. Harris
• The Emergent Self – Peter Philippson
• Daring Greatly – Brené Brown

Conclusion

In summary, how we think and feel about ourselves is a vital starting point for all relationships and interactions; most importantly, it is vital to how we live our lives. Self-love is easier to preach but the work involved in building up a self that we feel is worthy of loving has to come from within. When we are able to view ourselves with positive regard, it opens up areas and doors that we did not know possible and in turn impacts all areas of our lives. Using an infinitely important idea from Carl Rogers, it is all about ‘Unconditional Positive Regard’.